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11月13日 New blogI have a new blog I am trying out. It can be found at http://mybabyboys.wordpress.com/ 8月14日 One of those daysDylan had his 4 month immunisations done today. He is 5 months old but because of his last chest infection Ive held off until he was healthy enough to have them done. My mum came with me because I couldnt bear to watch. Last time I cried after he had them done because he was screaming in pain and I could barely feed him or change his nappy. He had to have three injections - Two in one leg and one in the other. He screamed after the second and third ones but fell asleep shortly afterwards. I gave him a dose of panadol when we got home because he was obviously in alot of pain but hasnt been too bad since although he has been a little whiney tonight and Ive had a hard time trying to get him to sleep. I have just finished rocking him to sleep and for a moment when I looked at him almost asleep in my arms he looked exactly like Alex. It felt like a knife in my heart. I must admit that it doesnt happen often that Dylan will remind me of Alex because they look so different but it was just a moment that I had a flashback to Alex's last day and holding him in my arms.
I feel so guilty because I dont get to the cemetery every week like I used to before Dylan was born. Its just so hard to take Dylan out some days especially when its really cold and raining outside. We've now started to buy flowers which will last weeks rather than ones that will only last a few days because we just dont go there often enough. I feel like Im neglecting Alex which is silly of course because I know he isnt alive but maybe in some way Im neglecting his memory. I miss my little boy tonight. So much. Some days it hurts more than others and today is one of those days.
8月4日 What the heck ?I have no idea whats going on with my blog right now. It's driving me up the wall !! Things such as my photos etc seem to be missing but when I go and update they appear again and then disappear when I sign out. What am I doing wrong ? 7月31日 Dylan's cardiologist appointmentIve been missing for quite awhile now - well only from my own blog. I still read my favourite blogs religiously and keep myself up to date. I often start to type an entry here and then stop half way and change my mind about posting. Sometimes the memories are just too painful. Ive been thinking I might start another space but will let everyone know when and if I get around to doing it. Just looking at this blog makes me depressed ! I need a change. A fresh look because I need to focus on the positives in my life rather than the negatives. I have been happy lately. Dylan does something new every day which makes me laugh. I look forward to the future and each and every milestone he reaches. I think about my little boy Alex every day but I dont have time to dwell on how much it sucks that he isnt here playing with his little brother. I still dont think it was 'meant to be' or 'gods will' or other crap that people say but I have accepted that I cant turn back the clock and bring him back. Its my story. Its my past. I always tell anyone who asks that I have two children. An angel in heaven and one here on earth.
Anyway - we are doing well. Dylan had a follow up cardiologist appointment today and his heart looks good. The hole in his heart is closed and its pumping well so we only need to go back for a check up in 6 months time. Dylan is growing and has become really chubby now. I hope to post some photos so you can all see how much he has changed. He has just got over a chest infection which was quite nasty as he had several days of fever and projectile vomiting but he is over the worst of it now and is healthy again.
We are partcipating in a research project that the Royal Childrens Hospital are doing on development of babies who have had cardiac surgery in the first 3 months of life. Basically it involves 4 assessments over two years for Dylan. They video tape him for 30 minutes each time. I think they are trying to see whether heart surgery in the first months of life causes any brain damage or developmental delays. We have agreed to partcipate but to be honest I would have much more interested in partcipating in a research project that involved CDH. Anything to help find a cure.
I'm off to bed now. Dylan has been sleeping through the night which has been great as Im now getting 8+ hours of sleep each night but I need it because its so exhausting keeping him entertained during the day. Not that Im complaining !!
Good night !
PS I just tried to put up a few photos but of course the damn thing isnt working so I will try again tomorrow.
5月15日 Baby Dylan is here !!Hi Everyone, What a busy couple of months its been ! For those of you who dont know I had my baby on 26 March 2007. He weighed 2.87kg (which I think is 6lbs 3oz) and was 53cm long although that is to be disputed because after measuring him again a few days later they thought he was 50cm. We called him Dylan.
On Saturday 24th March when I was 37+5 weeks pregnant I started leaking amniotic fluid during the night and after calling the hospital they told me to go straight in for monitoring. They put me in the L & D ward and watched and monitored me to see if I would go into labour on my own. After a few hours when they realised I hadnt started going into labor they put me in a hospital room and told me that they would schedule an induction for the following morning. They gave me antiobiotics because of my ruptured membranes and induced me at 9.00am on Monday 26th March. After 9 hours of contractions my obstetrician checked me and told me I had only dilated 2cm so she scheduled me in for an emergency C-section. Dylan was born at 6.34pm that night. In the first few days he was doing really well but he was kept under close observation in the special care nursery for monitoring of a heart condition which was diagnosed prenatally. Yes thats right - we knew from our 16 week scan that this baby had a hole in his heart and that there was a 50% chance he would need surgery at some stage to fix it. Dylan did so well in those few days but then a week later he started going into heart failure so they intubated him, gave him some medications and told us he needed to be operated on quickly. He was put into the NICU and I cant tell you how we felt when we received that phone call during the night to tell us that. I felt like history was repeating itself and we would surely lose this baby too. We waited for a bed at the childrens hospital in the city (all our cardiac babies are operated on at the children's) and by the following night they had transferred him. He had his open heart surgery at 10 days old (Alex also had his surgery when he was 10 days old) to fix a large hole in the heart and coarctation of his aorta (which we didn’t know about before birth). The operation took 5 hours and he did quite well. The only problem being that he took about 3 days to wake from the anaesthetic and his blood pressures and glucose levels took a little managing. He spent about a week in the NICU at the childrens and was then transferred back to the hospital he was born in. He needed a few days to establish his feeding and to gain weight as he had dropped 200g below his birth weight and they were concerned about his weight. In total he spent almost a month in hospital and we were finally able to take him home on 20 April. That day was the happiest day of our lives. We are so happy to have him at home but still so frightened that he will become sick again. He will need constant checkups for his heart condition as there is a possibility that the coarctation can reoccur in the next few months and he also has a heart valve that may need fixing in the future but for now he is growing every day and we just hope that he wont need surgery again. My days are now spent feeding, changing nappies and going to various appointments for Dylan. I never realised how much time a baby took out of your day but Im enjoying motherhood and realise how blessed I am to have him. I am also fortunate that Dylan looks nothing like Alex so I can look at Dylan and know that he is Alex's younger brother and not a baby that has replaced him. I must admit that the first few days after Dylan was born were hard because I was in the same hospital and my memories of having Alex there were just so overwhelming. Now that we have Dylan at home I have new memories to fill my heart and although I think of Alex constantly Dylan has helped me realise than life moves ahead and I can be happy again. He is awake again so I better go. I hope to update again soon ! Jenny 3月20日 UpdateI thought I would update today. I have no excuses now that I have finished work (Friday was my last day - hooray!!) as I have plenty of time to sit here and update my blog. Its so great to have made it to my final day at work this time. I am so relaxed and have been catching up on all the things I never get a chance to do while I'm working including catching up on some much needed rest. I think I have reached the 'nesting' stage as I am pottering around tidying up, deciding on what baby things need washing to take with me and getting my bag ready for the hospital. I havent had too much luck with the washing because it actually rained today. We are in the middle of our biggest drought and it rarely rains but the day I decide to wash some baby things it rains the whole day. Just my luck !!
I should quickly bring everyone up to date with how my pregnancy is going. I had two appointments a couple of weeks ago at 35 weeks. The first was a scan at the hospital and the second was with my obstetrician. Everything went well. The baby was approximately 2.3kg (5 pounds) at that point in time which means it is in the 35th percentile. The baby won't be a big baby but the ultrasound tech says baby is growing well and that if I make it to 39 weeks or so then she estimates that baby will be 3.1 kg or roughly 7 pounds or so. He/she was practising breathing movements and the tech says that all signs are that baby is doing well and is healthy.
I weighed myself earlier and I have put on 16 kilos so far. I thought I hadnt put on any weight in the last few weeks but it seems I have put on another 2 kilos. I'm actually feeling pretty good and not too heavy yet. The only time I really feel it is during the night when I cant get comfortable. Ive taken to sleeping sitting up and on my back the whole night because the baby just doesnt make it comfortable to be sleeping on my side. My toilet visits are ridiculous at the moment too. I think I average about 10 trips to the toilet each night and there isnt an hour that goes past that I dont have to go and empty my bladder. Oh and Ive also discovered that I have developed at least one big stretch mark which is devastating !! I didnt get any the first time (I guess because I didnt grow too much) but I have found at least one and I think I have another 2 but cant see them all that well as they sit pretty low on my bulging stomach. I have been using stretch mark cream for weeks now and it obviously doesnt work. I guess its all part of the whole pregnancy experience. I just hope I dont get too many more or I will never pull out the bikini again. In fact I may never do anyway because I know I will be left with a saggy belly that no amount of exercise will be able to shift. Who am I kidding? I know I wont exercise because Im too lazy to so if I end up with the saggy belly Ill be stuck with it.
Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks and I just came back from another doctors appointment. My blood pressure is perfect and baby is quite low down which means that I could go into labour at any time now. I havent had any contractions that I'm aware of although the doctor says that I have probably had them but they havent been painful enough to notice. My doctor will be away from Tuesday next week for the whole week so I'm hoping that I dont go into labour next week as I will be getting a doctor I have never met or even heard of. I really want my doctor because she knows the things I have requested for the delivery and of course she knows all about my history. I am worried that a new doctor wouldnt understand my need to spend some time with the baby before he/she is taken away this time. I had barely 30 seconds with Alex when he was born and I couldnt bear it if they did that to me again. They just wheeled him past me and thats all I saw of him in those first few hours after he was born. It felt like they took an eternity to stitch me back up and then they stuck me in the recovery room and didnt give me any information about how he was doing. I kept thinking that he had died and the not knowing nearly killed me.
Tomorrow I am going to breastfeeding class. I am looking forward to it as I didnt quite make it to this class last time I was pregnant. I was booked in for around the same time in my pregnancy. Last time I pumped milk for 3 weeks and nobody prepared me for how difficult that would be. I really struggled with it so hopefully the breastfeeding is a little easier than the pumping I had to do.
I dont have much more news for now so I will leave it here for now and hopefully update later in the week. 3月4日 Still here....I thought I better blog tonight while I have a few spare minutes before bed. Ive been absolutely exhausted (again!) today and I keep saying that I dont know why but JP kindly reminded me that I am almost 35 weeks pregnant and I'm SUPPOSED to be exhausted. Ok I must admit I do tend to forget that I'm pregnant sometimes but today is not one of those days. I went to lie down earlier and the baby kicked so much that I couldnt stay lying down for long. My sleep isnt exactly what you call quality sleep anymore - not that Im complaining, Im happy to stay this way for months to come if it means that the baby will stay safe inside me.
Just to update a little about whats been happening. On Tuesday (27th February) was the 1 year anniversary since Alex died. JP and I both had the day off. We ordered some flowers so we went to pick those up and then went to the cemetery with the family. It wasnt an easy day but we got through it. Its hard to believe a year has gone by since my baby took his last breath in my arms. I will never ever forget those final moments and the pain in my heart wont ever heal. I know that now. In the beginning I thought that my memories would fade and that the pain would lessen but I know now that the pain never goes away - you just learn to live with it and it becomes a part of your life - like a scar that never fades. You have to carry on with life and even though you still have bad days where you think the pain will eat you up inside you know that there will also be good days ahead and you have to keep yourself going. What surprises me the most is how other people around you react to a baby's death. They think that you dont want to talk about your dead child but they couldnt be more wrong. I wont ever deny that I had Alex or that he was my first baby. I get asked all the time if this is my first pregnancy and now I dont even hesitate to tell a total stranger that no its my second and my first baby died. I know it makes them uncomfortable but I dont care. It shouldnt. If I am comfortable telling you my baby died then obviously I am dealing with it and I dont have a problem talking about it. Why do people automatically look at me as if I have some terrible disease and then change the subject or end the conversation. Its the quickest way to wipe any smile of a persons face. When I went back to work on Wednesday one of the new guys at work (who obviously didnt know about my past) assumed that I had been sick on Tuesday and I was quick to tell him that I had an annual leave day. He laughed and said that I wasnt allowed to have a day off when I was about to go on a year's maternity leave to which I responded that I took it off because it was the 1st anniversary of my son's death. I cant describe the look on his face. He looked as if he wanted to die. He went beetroot red in the face and mumbled something like 'sorry' and quickly turned back to his desk to do some work. People just do not know how to react to death especially when it comes to losing a child.
This reminds me of something else a couple of weeks ago. My work mate in our Sydney office called to ask me what sort of leave he should apply for because he had a baby's funeral to attend to. The funeral was for his nephew who had died the day before. His sister-in-law was 38 weeks pregnant and although the baby had been healthy the baby had died in-utero because the cord was wrapped around his neck. He was hoping I wouldnt ask how the baby had died because he didnt want to upset me but curiousity got the better of me. In hindsight I wish I hadnt because thats all I could think of the next few days. I even asked my doctor what the chances are of this happening and apparently as many as 1 in 10 babies are born with cords around their necks but not all die and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Just another thing to worry about. Anyway my workmate said that after the funeral then it would all be over and they could move on. I reminded him that it wouldnt ever be 'over' for the parents. When you lose you child you dont try to 'forget' because you can't. It's a part of who you are and what you become. Some people just dont get it.
Today is exactly one year since the day of Alex's funeral. So many anniversaries that I would rather not have but will be a part of my life now for years to come. We will be going to church tomorrow as we have asked the priest if he would mention and pray for Alex during tomorrows service. We were going to do this on Tuesday night (the anniversary of his death) but I didnt think I would be able to cope with it that day so we made the decision to do it tomorrow.
I have 2 more weeks of work left. I was going to finish up on the 9th March but have decided to work until the 16th if all goes well. I'm not sure if I will regret that decision but it works our better money wise to work another week. I will then ask to be put on half-pay and it works out that with all my annual leave and long service leave entitlements I should be paid until the end of the year.
On Wednesday we picked up our new car !! Yay ! We finally took the plunge after 2 years of procrastination and bought a new Toyota Rav4 Cruiser. We thought we'd better buy it while we still had two full salaries otherwise we would never have the courage. I have only driven it once since Wednesday and its a dream to drive. We actually ordered the car just after Alex's 1st birthday and it was supposed to be ready mid March but the car dealer wanted us to pick it up on Wednesday. It was good to have something exciting to look forward to in February to help take some of the sadness away from the memories of last year. We now need to sell the car JP drives to work and then he will be driving my car and I will take the new one. I love the fact that I always get to drive the new cars we buy !!
On Monday I have another appointment with my obstetrician and I have also booked myself in for another scan just before that apointment. At my last appointment last week with the ob I asked her if she thought the baby was OK and still growing and she seemed to think everything was fine but told me that if it helped me sleep at night that I should go for another scan. I'm terrified of what they are going to tell me which is partly why I am updating my blog tonight. I suspect that it will be bad news and they will admit me to have the baby. I am so terrified of this baby not growing. I weighed myself the other day and realised that I havent put on much weight in the last 3-4 weeks and I dont feel very big for 34.5 weeks despite people telling me that I am. I am hoping that my next update wont be to tell everyone that Ive had this baby because I'm not ready and I so desperately want to make it to 40 weeks this time. Please pray that I get a little further into this pregnancy. I want a big fat chubby baby and I know that this baby needs a few more weeks of growing to get there.
On Wednesday it will be JP's 35th birthday. Last November we booked in Jamie Oliver's restaurant in the city (yes it takes that long to get a booking !!) for that night. I will be so disappointed if my doctor admits me into hospital before Wednesday because Ive been so looking forward to this night !!
Anyway I have rambled enough tonight and after reading this entry through I realise how jumbled my thoughts are and I'm hoping most of it makes sense. Im too tired to fix any of it now. Goodnight everyone....I hope to update again soon.
Jenny  2月7日 Happy 1st Birthday my sweet baby boy !!I just want to wish my sweet baby boy a Happy 1st Birthday. I know you are up in heaven playing with all the other angel babies today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART !! I Love You !
 It was a good day today, It was difficult but I tried to focus on celebrating Alex's short life rather than dwelling on what 'could' have been. Its the only way I could get through it. My family were great too and helped make it special. Mum bought Alex a little Angel with a message saying 'thinking of you', my aunty bought him a new candle and my sister bought a little teddy bear holding a heart and some bright red gerberas to put on his grave. I made 'Thomas the Tank' cupcakes this morning and we all went to the cemetary with the cupcakes, balloons and flowers. We even bought party hats and placed one on his grave and on the angel babies graves beside him. We put a candle on one of the cupcakes for him and sang happy birthday and then released the balloons. It wasnt sad. It felt like a real 1st Birthday celebration. My nephew had a blast too because he was allowed to eat one of the chocolate cupcakes and make a mess of himself. He also loved the balloons. We were going to take my nephews balloon home but just before we went home the wind took it and we said that Alex probably needed another one in heaven for another one of his angel friends since he has so many up there. I took some photos so I will download them now and place them on here.
Overall it was a good day and one that I will remember for a long time to come.
Jenny
2月6日 A year ago today....I cant help thinking of this exact night last year when I was in hospital. I'll never forget what the woman in charge of NICU said to me that night. She told me that they couldnt operate on a baby who was so small and in that one moment she shattered all my hopes of my baby ever making it through. She was basically telling me to prepare for my baby's death. How does someone prepare for that ? Babies shouldnt be allowed to die. No mother should have to prepare for her babies death. Its just so wrong !
JP didnt stay with me that first night in hospital (but slept there every night after that). We thought it was better for him to get a good nights sleep so he would have the energy to get through the next few difficult days. They gave me a sleeping tablet knowing that I wouldnt sleep otherwise. They neednt have bothered because I didnt sleep anyway. The sleeping tablet had no effect at all. I cant tell you what torture I felt as I lay there that night listening to the babies in other rooms crying all night, feeling my own baby kicking inside of me and knowing that the following morning I would meet him for the first time but knowing he would also probably not survive the day.
I'm just exhausted now because my head is so full of thoughts, memories and sadness. A year has gone past but tonight it feels to me as if this all happened yesterday. I looked at Alex's photos earlier. I cant believe how small he actually was and how sick he looked in most of the photos. I actually forgot how sick he actually looked because when I think of him all I remember is what he looked like on his good days - never his bad. I guess I was just so used to seeing him look so sick that I became immune to it. The few people who did visit him in the hospital (I told most people not to visit) must have been shocked at his blue skin, puffy body and tubes and monitors. I hope he didnt suffer. When I look at the photos now I wonder if he did suffer and was it cruel of us not to stop the intensive care treatment earlier.
I have so much to say tonight but I cant write anymore. Exhaustion has set in again and i need to lie down. Please hope that I get through tomorrow without too much heartache. I miss my baby boy so much !
Jenny 2月4日 Home AloneIt feels so good to have the house to myself. It's a rare occurrance so Im going to enjoy it and spend some time catching up with things. I dont have too much news to report. Things are going along fairly uneventfully in my pregnancy except that my ob's secretary called last week to tell me that my latest blood test results show that I am slightly low in iron and told me to take some iron supplements every second day. I took a few and found they were making me sick so I have since stopped taking them. I will have to ask my ob at Friday's appointment if she can recommend some that dont upset my stomach too much. I am getting more and more uncomfortable and sleeping at night has become almost impossible and my back is constantly aching but yet when I look down at my stomach I almost feel as if I am not very big and then I start to worry that the baby isnt growing anymore. I am now 30 weeks and just aiming to try to make it past 32 weeks. I cant do much but wait until Fridays appointment to find out what my ob thinks about baby's growth. I guess she will send me for a further scan if she is worried about it.
On Wednesday its Alex's 1st birthday. I can't believe a year has gone by already. Both JP and I have taken a day off work on Wednesday so we can take time for ourselves to remember him on what would have been such a happy day if he had been alive. Instead its going to be such a hard day and I just hope we will make it through the day without too much difficulty.
We plan on buying some balloons and maybe even a cupcake with a candle. We even bought some party hats today so we can place on his grave. Its no surprise to me that my family would have forgotten it was Alex's birthday if I hadnt reminded them. They knew it was February but it seems that exact days arent that important when it isnt something that totally preoccupies your mind like it does for JP and I. I know if Alex had lived they would never have forgotten. Sometimes I think I expect too much from my family. Maybe they would have remembered as it got closer and that I didnt need to remind them. I like to think they would have.
A friend of mine called me earlier in the week to ask me if I would drop in at her house on Friday because she had two presents to give me. One was for me and it was a little statue of an angel holding a baby and a gift for Alex to take to his grave on Wednesday. Its so sweet of her to remember and to take the time to buy us something. I havent read the card or opened Alex's gift yet because I plan to do that on Wednesday. The card on the front says that I need to read the words to Alex but I don't think I will be strong enough. She told me that inside the gift were some toy cars made of steel so they won't rust when I put them on his grave. It really was so thoughtful of her. Sometimes I dont know what I do to deserve such good friends.
I'm back....I had to go and lie down for awhile. I cant believe how quickly I become tired these days. I had so many plans for today but it is almost 8.30pm and my mum, aunty and uncle are home again and it feels like I did nothing all day. JP is still at the cricket and should be home around 10pm. I asked him to keep his mobile on and fully charged just in case I needed him but I just tried calling him and of course it goes straight to message bank. Its a good thing I dont really need him for anything but we have had so many arguments in the past about not being able to reach him when I need him that you would think he would be a little more careful. I guess I cant be too mad with him. He did take me out to breakfast this morning knowing that he was spending the whole Sunday at the cricket and I would be home alone.
I better go and spend some time with the family now. As I said not much news this week but - then again no news is good news.
Jenny
1月23日 Test Results and ScanIts been a busy week with appointments and scans. I had my glucose challenge test (diabetes) on Saturday. The glucose drink they make you drink is horrible. I got through the hour wait afterwards and managed to have the blood test but when I got home i threw up. I'm glad I didnt throw up before the blood test or I would have had to repeat the test. The good news is that I dont have diabetes. Yay ! Considering mum and most of my family have diabetes I guess I've been pretty lucky in that respect.
Today I had another scan of the baby. The baby looks much bigger now and its getting harder to see. They told me that the baby is now 1.2 kilos which I'm pretty happy with because that was how big Alex was when he was born at 32 weeks and considering I am only 29 weeks this baby will be bigger than Alex. Apparently he/she is in the 30th percentile so although that worries me the ultrasound technician tells me its perfectly normal and there are no growth restrictions according to her. I think that todays scan may have been my last before the baby is born unless my ob has reasons for concern. Oh I forgot to mention that baby is currently breech (no wonder I can feel feet so low down !) but there is still time for baby to turn in next few weeks. Thats the least of my worries. If anything, if baby is breech then at least my decision about which type of delivery to have will be made alot easier. We also saw that the baby has hair already as it was quite visible. When I finish this post I will scan the photo to put up here, I still think it's a boy but the technician is so good at giving nothing away !!
After our scan today, I took the rest of the day of work and we went shopping for some retail therapy. We went to baby bunting and bought things for the baby such as clothes, blankets, dummies, wipes etc. It felt so good to finally feel like we could. On the weekend we plan on going again to buy some of the big things like a pram, car seat and maybe even a cot. I hope we arent jinxing ourselves. I'm still pertified of what the future holds but i'm determined to take this baby home.
No other news for now. My back is aching so I will leave it here and scan some photos before I head to bed. I need to catch up on emails and my favourite blogs but I dont even have the energy to do that so it will have to wait until tomorrow.
Jenny  1月10日 HelloI hope everyone had a good Christmas and New Year. I know I've been missing for quite some time now. I have several reasons for it though. My Aunty and Uncle are staying with us at the moment and its not always easy to get access to the computer because its in the room my uncle is sleeping in. Its also becoming more and more difficult to spend alot of time in front of the pc as I am getting quite big now. Ive missed blogging though and especially the blogging friends I have made so Im going to try amd make more of an effort to update more regularly even if they are short posts.
As of today I am 27 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy hasnt exactly been smooth sailing but I'm taking each day as it comes and just hoping and praying that I get as close to 40 weeks as possible, Alex stopped growing at 27 weeks so the next few weeks are pretty scary for me and although I dont want to compare pregnancies it's hard not to. At my last appointment my ob said she wanted me to have a scan within the week to check on the placenta and the baby's growth, She wrote me a slip so that I could get it down at the hospital that very day which automatically made me assume she suspected that something was wrong during my examination. I can't tell you what a mess I was having to go back to the hospital I had Alex in. The place I had to go was on the 5th floor only doors away from the NICU. I even saw one of Alex's doctors but he didnt see us and I was so upset to be there that I didnt try to approach him. There were mothers with that same look of tiredness and stress that I had during those 3 weeks with Alex. I could hear their conversations and it just brought back all of those horrible memories. Anyway they looked at the blood flow between the placenta and the baby as well as blood flow from the uterine arteries and everything was fine for this stage of the pregnancy. I have another scan booked in a couple of weeks which I am dreading. As yet I havent found out the sex of the baby because it's just not that important to me. I am so sure that I'm having a boy though as is everyone else who sees me so I'll be in for a real shock if its a girl. I still can't bring myself to buy any baby furniture yet. We also havent really decided on any names. It feels like we are just trying to get through each day and it's almost as if it hasnt really hit us that we are actually having another baby soon.
I must admit that although I'm petrified I love being pregnant. Despite the morning sickness, the sleepless nights and the 10 kilos Ive put on, when I feel the baby moving I know it's all worth it. This baby seems to move constantly and the kicks are getting stronger each day. I feel so heavy and awkward and my back is killing me but I dont mind at all because I know what's it taken to get here and I will never take that for granted.
I cant believe that its almost Alex's 1st birthday. Sometimes it feels like yesterday since Alex was born and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. I am really going to struggle to get through the next few weeks which is why Ive decided to start posting again because I need all the support I get from all you wonderful people I have come to know through here, You dont know how much you all mean to me. Your emails and messages of support are what help me get through. People in my life dont understand why I havent moved on but you guys understand why I can't.
I am still working full time and it's tiring. The work isnt too bad because I have a desk job and I get to sit most of the day (although crouching over a big belly at a desk is sometimes just as hard) but the 45 minute drive to and from work is a killer especially when the weather has been so hot. It was 36°C today and tomorrow is even hotter at 38°C. Everyone keeps asking me when I am leaving and again the part of me that is trying to deny that all this is happening again makes me tell them that I'm just not sure yet, I am thinking the start of March but that's what I was saying last year and I barely made February. I still have heaps of stuff to tidy up before I leave but I'm trying hard not to think too far ahead. Initially I was going to leave start of February but I realise now that it might be better that I keep occupied that month. I will take the 7 February (Alex's birthday) and 27 February (Alex's angel day) off work but if I am at home from the start of February I will have too much time to think of things and become depressed, Much better to keep busy and try to get through that very difficult month.
Ok I think I have rambled enough tonight and my back is aching sitting here so time to end it here,
Jenny
11月8日 Slow down life....Its been so long since I last posted. I really dont know where the time goes. Sometimes I feel like I'm on an express train and life is passing by so quickly. I want it to slow down but I really dont know how to do it. I have been so unbelievably busy. Just as an indication I will run past the last few days of my hectic life.
Friday night we went to my sisters, Saturday afternoon/night we went to a bbq at a workmate of JP's, He lives on a 5 acre farm about an hour from us. It was quite strange for us city folk to watch as he had 2 new cows delivered on Saturday. We were also told that the meat we had for dinner was once their pet cow. I tried not to think of it too much or I wouldnt have eaten anything. I dont think I could ever raise a cow and then have it slaughtered and on a dinner plate the following night but then I've never lived on a farm and I guess thats just a natural thing to do. We had a great time. JP got to play tennis, golf and a game of billards. I skipped on the tennis and golf but played a couple of games of billiards. I am pretty hopeless when it comes to the game but managed to sink the black and win the game so pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately when we played again I didnt sink any balls the whole game so they all had a laugh at my expense. I just blamed it on the big belly that kept putting me off balance. JP drank way too much on Saturday night so I ended up driving home which was a good thing because we were pulled over by a booze bus and I got to blow into their breathalizer. I was quite smug because I knew it was read a big fat zero but not so smug when the police women asked for our current registration sticker (although it was paid we hadnt stuck it on the windscreen yet). She said it was an offence not to have it stuck on the windscreen and told us to put it straight on or next time we would be fined. I wasnt so smug when she said that. Needless to say we have now stuck it on.
Sunday morning JP had to get up early because he had organised a fishing trip. With only 4 hours sleep, lots to drink the night before and a rocking fishing boat he spent the morning throwing up. I think it scared the fish away because he came back with nothing except a bad hangover. He has sworn off drinking for awhile which is a good thing because he isnt as young as he used to be and certainly cant handle more than a couple of beers in one night.
Sunday afternoon was spent with my 5 year old god-daughter, her sister and parents at Studley park boathouse where we had lunch and coffee by the lake and went for long walks in the bush. I took some photos of this day which I will try and post in the next few days. We ended up going back to their place for dinner and had yet another late night. It was good seeing my goddaughter again because I dont often see her (in fact I couldnt even make it to her birthday in September so I felt really bad) but we've had this day planned for quite awhile and I think she really enjoyed herself. The Park we went to even had an outdoor amphitheatre so she was in her element as she entertained us with song after song. She loves to sing and dance - a real little performer. I asked her mother whether she was going to enrol her in singing lessons but she said that they had told her she was too young and would strain her vocal cords at this young age. She will try to enrol her in another couple of years. I think she's going to be a real star one day. Maybe a future Australian Idol - who knows ?
Monday night was yet another friends for a bbq which was a great night with many laughs. Fortunately Tuesday was a public holiday (Melbourne Cup day) so I was able to rest a little but not enough because I'm just so exhausted. We went to Target for a little shopping and I think it all caught up with me because after 10 minutes of being there I had a fainting spell. I couldnt stand up and had to sit on the floor in the middle of Target. Talk about embarrassing ! It took a good 10-15 minutes to come around and in that time I had quite an audience. A lovely couple came to help and stayed with us while I tried to recover. They asked the staff for a chair from the furniture department and got me a glass of water and wet cloth. I heard someone say (I think a staff member) they would call the ambulance if needed. Luckily I recovered because I would have just died of embrassment if they had to carry me out of Target on a stretcher. I'm not too sure what caused my fainting spell but apart from being really tired I'm feeling pretty good now. There is no other news on the pregnancy, Im still having morning sickness every other day. I have another ultrasound booked for next Monday which I am of course petrified about but will try not to panic about it until it gets a little closer.
This weekend will be busy again as we have dinner with friends on Saturday night and a 1st birthday on Sunday. I know I need to take it easy but seems as if we are in for another hectic weekend.
I'm feeling pretty down today. Yesterday Alex would have been 9 months old. JP and I went to the cemetery since we had a day off work. I can't believe how much I miss him. I thought time would make the pain ease but then you have days like these and you realise that some days are just as painful as the day he died. Its also comments from people that make the pain come back and I think thats what did it for me yesterday. Comments such as 'you wouldnt understand because you dont have kids' or 'what would you know about raising kids'. This is the comment I got yesterday and words like that feel like a knife being driven into my heart. It's just so hurtful and how can you say that to someone knowing they have lost a child not so long ago, I cant help thinking of what my son would have been like at 9 months old. Would he have been crawling, what would be his favourite foods, what cartoons would he have enjoyed watching ? I would have 'known' what it was like to have kids. Dont DARE remind me of what I have lost. How can people, especially those closest to you be so hurtful ? Even though everyone else's life has moved on since my son died, mine hasnt and it still hurts and life will never move on for me. I think at this stage I dont need to surround myself with people that make me hurt because I cant afford to be as upset as I have been today during this stage of my pregnancy. It makes JP angry to see people hurt me like this because then he sees what I go through and its stress I dont need right now. I'm dealing with grief over losing a baby and stress of being pregnant with another and with that is all the worry that something will be wrong with this baby too. Fortunately I do have alot of people in my life who care about me and make me happy and keep me positive and I thank god every day for those people. Sorry I am going on and on about this but I feel better just writing all this down. I will move on from the outpour of emotions now to other things.
I have a decision to make about whether I will have another c-section or natural delivery. Its almost hard to think that far ahead and I guess I dont really need to decide now but I will have to start thinking about it at some point. My obstetrician says its entirely up to me. I'm a little worried about a natural delivery because I didnt wait very long to become pregnant after last time but the doctor doesnt seem worried at all about the incision I have. I'm also scared of the pain of a natural delivery but I want to do whats best for the baby with little damage to my body because after all I would like at least one more baby after this one if all goes well. I think I will just let nature take its course and what will be, will be. I was convinced I was going to have it naturally last time and look what happened so I dont think you can always plan for these things.
I'm off to bed now because I can hardly keep my eyes open any longer.
Jenny
 10月23日 16 week UltrasoundThis morning I went for my 16 week ultrasound and I am almost afraid of what I am about to write because Im afraid I might jinx myself but here it goes - We were told that this baby doesnt have CDH. I cant believe it. I didnt sleep all night because I was so worried and I kept thinking about what might happen if we were told that this baby had a problem. The ultrasound went well and Jackie showed us that the heart was up where it was supposed to be and the stomach down where it was supposed to be. She even showed us where the diaphragm was. At this stage the baby looks perfectly healthy. I kept expecting to hear some bad news but it never came. My next scan is at 19 weeks where everything will be alot bigger and easier to see but Jackie called this a sneak preview and looked at all the things she would normally look at an 18 week scan so she was happy with everything so far. She could even tell what the sex was but we told her we didnt want to know so she was good at not letting it slip. I'm convinced it's a boy because Im sure I saw some 'boy' bits but JP is convinced its a girl. I dont really care either way but for now its exciting trying to guess. I've started getting a little more excited about the next few months. I have some hope that I might actually be able to bring this baby home with me and that I might actually start to feel the joy that other expectant parents feel when they are due to have a baby. It feels strange because I only had those few short weeks with Alex where I didnt know of his condition to feel that way and the rest of the pregnancy was filled with worry and the knowledge that I was carrying a baby that would probably not even survive through the first few hours of life. Despite the good news today I will never feel completely confident that things will go smoothly. I guess my experience with Alex has changed me forever. No-one will ever know how that feels unless they have experienced it themselves. Carrying a baby that you know will not live is the worst possible imaginable pain and has scarred me emotionally for life but I dont want to focus on the negative tonight. I want to enjoy the hope that Ive been given at least until my next scan and then I can have another sleepless night before I hear what the next scan shows, My biggest fear that all my babies would have CDH has at least been put to rest. She says that the only way this baby can have a problem with his/her diaphragm is that sometimes babies have sliding diaphragms which occur later in pregnancy but that is rare.
This will be another short post tonight because I'm ready for bed but I just wanted to quickly share my good news.
Jenny
10月16日 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness DayYesterday was pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Last night at 7pm I lit a candle for Alex and all the other babies who have died. I was at my sisters at the time but I remembered to bring a candle with me and let it burn for an hour to honour all the 'lost' babies around the world. We will never forget our babies and regardless of how short a time they had here on earth they will live on forever in our hearts and memories.
We have had such a busy weekend. It was my nephew's 1st birthday on Friday and we spent a whole weekend celebrating. Friday night we went out for dinner at a Chinese restaurant which was alot of fun. On Saturday we went for a bbq and pizzas at my sisters because they had some interstate visitors and then Sunday was the party they organised at a local hall. They had caterers doing the food and they had also organised an animal farm, jumping castle and a wizard for the kids. The kids had a ball and overall it was a great day. I took heaps of photos which I will post. My brother-in-law and JP had a bit to drink but other than the cake fight they had they were fairly well-behaved. I dont know whether my nephew really understood what the fuss was all about but he seemed to enjoy it too. We went to visit Alex at the cemetery before going to the party so I have thrown a couple of photos of that in too because the roses we placed there from our garden were so nice and I had my camera so I couldnt resist. I didnt think too much about how much I missed Alex on the day until my sister said to me that I should take a balloon home with me so I could bring it to Alex at the cemetery. It brought tears to my eyes when I realised that he should have been there too celebrating his cousins 1st birthday. I also realised at that moment that he wouldnt ever celebrate his own 1st birthday and that made me sad. It really is true what they say that you grieve for a lost future when you lose a child.
Friday was a very hard day for me because it was the same day last year that my life changed forever - the day I found out about Alex's CDH. It was Friday the 13th this year but it should have been last year because with the exception of Alex dying it was the worst day of my life. I got through it though and hopefully it only gets easier from here.
This post will be a short one tonight because its getting late.
Jenny
10月8日 UltrasoundI had my ultrasound on Monday which was so incredibly stressful. Not only was I worried about them telling me the baby might have downs syndrome but because of the bleeding I was worried they might tell me something was wrong with the placenta. The ultrasound went great ! Jackie (who did all my ultrasounds after Alex was diagnosed with CDH) knew all the right things to say to put us at ease. She told us straight away that the baby had a perfect nuchal translucency measurement and baby's heart looked good so far and best of all she pointed out that this baby's stomach was in his/her abdomen and heart is up where it should be and she can see the diaphragm. Although its still early to completely rule out CDH she doesnt think this baby has it. She also couldnt see where my bleeding was coming from. The placenta looked good and there were no clots that she could see. I am booked in for another scan at 16 weeks so that she can have a better look but so far so good. My risk factor for downs syndrome was 1 in over 1000 (I think it was 1900 but will need to ask my obstetrician next week as I was too busy crying to hear the exact number) so I also dont need to have an amnio as this baby is considered low risk for downs. I was at work when I got this news and was crying so much that my boss thought something was wrong with the baby. He hugged me when I told him the good news. Ive allowed myself to be a little happier this week and excited about this pregnancy. I know its still very early days and that I still have some scary scans up ahead but I'm taking every bit of positive news I can for now. We have told quite alot of people now although I didnt really have much choice in that because when they see me they can already guess because of my growing stomach. We also rang JP's parents in South Africa to tell them because it seemed unfair that we were telling friends before family. They suspected something was up anyway because JP has been extremely stressed lately with all that's been happening and they know their son well and guessed that I might be pregnant. Grey's Anatomy showed that episode last week on the baby with CDH. I was so disappointed. It showed a whole two minutes of the woman with the CDH baby and how they were going to treat it with in-utero surgery. I know its just a show but its no wonder so few people know about CDH. It just doesnt get the mention that other birth defects get. In-utero surgery for CDH is very rarely performed and in Australia I dont think they perform it all because it isnt believed to increase survival rates and it's still considered very experimental. There has been alot of publicity lately in our magazines and newspapers about in-utero surgery to fix heart defects but in Australia CDH doesnt seem to get the same research. It really sucks. I know I keep going on about this but it really does bother me. I want to congratulate my friend (I won't mention names here) on her great news that she is pregnant ! She has been trying for more than 14 months and by coincindence sees the same doctors I see (my IVF doctor and Ob). She works with JP and although I met her a few years ago its only really been since Alex died that we have become really close. She has helped me through some hard times and helped me try to stay positive (which is no easy task I can tell you !) and in return I have been helping her through the struggles of infertility. Although she hadnt reached the IVF path yet she was doing IUI like I did (I did 3 cycles unsuccessfully before commencing IVF). On her second attempt she was successful and I am so happy for her. I wish her a very happy and healthy nine months. To help us through the last few months we kept telling each other that we would be pushing our prams together at the local shopping centre before we knew it and it seems that our dreams may come true. She is 5 weeks pregnant so provided both babies are born healthy they will only be 2 months apart. October is such a busy month for us. We have so many birthdays that I am starting to lose count. Yesterday was a friends birthday although I couldnt go see her because we went out to dinner for my brother-in-law's birthday (which is on Tuesday but celebrated last night). On Friday is my nephew (and godson) 1st birthday. We have ordered him a 4 foot Elmo air-walker balloon to be delivered on his birthday. I hope it doesnt scare him !! JP has gone out now to buy him a gift and I have stayed home because walking doesnt seem to be too good for me right now. We also have both my in-laws birthdays at the end of October. Its such a crazy month ! November is a little quieter although its my mom's 60th at the end of November and to surprise her my sister and I paying for flights for her brother and sister to fly from Italy. We are throwing her a party too. We didnt know what to buy her and because she does so much for us we know thats probably the best gift we can give her to thank her for everything she has done for us. I really dont know what I would have done if I didnt have her through all those days and nights at the hospital with Alex. She slept in a chair with me on the nights when he wasnt expected to make it. She reminded me to eat when I could hardly remember what time of day it was and she spent as many hours by Alex's bedside as I did. If there was some way I could repay her with all that I would but I guess I can try and be the best mom to my children one day and she would be happy with that. I know it would mean so much to her to have her brother and sister here on her birthday and they are just as excited about coming. Hopefully no-one ruins to surprise by telling her before the big day. Thanks Lauren for letting me know about the annual CDH get together in Brisbane. I mentioned it to JP and he said we could go but now I cant really fly (because of my recent scare) so it seems out of the question for this year. Brisbane is about 2 hours away by aeroplane as I live in Melbourne but I would still love the information as maybe we could go next year. Its so great that there is an annual get together in Australia ! I have been reading about the one you went to in Ohio and wished that there was something similar I could attend here in Australia. As Ive mentioned I really dont know any other families in Australia that have dealt with CDH. It would be great to meet other families touched by this birth defect. I would love it if the woman organising it could send me some details. Thanks Lauren for thinking of me. Anyway I have to go now as I am still in my PJ's and its 1pm ! Bye for now ! Jenny 9月25日 Threatened MiscarriageIve had a rough couple of days. I was supposed to fly to Perth Sunday morning but on Saturday night as I was getting ready to go out for dinner with a group of friends I started bleeding quite heavily. I think I might have overdone it in the last few days at work preparing for this exhibition in Perth that I was to be involved in. I'd been rushing around like mad and my stress levels were at their highest. Anyway of course I panicked !! We called my obstetrician who said that if there was no pain I should just sit tight and wait until the morning where she would organise a scan for me. She strongly recommended that I didnt fly the following morning in case I was having a miscarriage. I lay on the couch for awhile but then I had another big gush of blood (TMI...sorry) so JP decided to take me to emergency to see if we could check on the baby. In emergency they took a urine and blood sample and did an internal and checked my uterus The doctor concluded that I was still bleeding quite alot but the good sign was that my cervix wasnt dilated and I didnt have any pain. He called it a 'threatened miscarriage'. They didnt have an ultrasound machine so it was a big waste of time because I felt like I still didnt have my answer about whether the baby was Ok. He spoke to my obstetrican and they agreed that I would have a scan in the morning because they only scheduled one that late at night in an emergency type situation where my life would be at risk. They gave me the option to admit me to hospital or go home and wait until the morning so I decided to go home. I had a sleepless night and I kept thinking that I didnt feel pregnant anymore. My obstetrician called me in the morning and told me to meet her in her rooms so she could put the scanner on me and check on the baby. Sunday morning I was still bleeding so I feared the worst. When she first looked we could see the baby and he/she was lying still. My heart almost stopped. She wriggled the probe a little and the baby started moving and even gave us a little wave (I cant believe how much more this baby has developed since last time ! I could even see his/her fingers !!). I burst into tears because it was the best site in the world to see our little baby was still alive after all that bleeding. She looked at the heart and it was beating quite steadily. She told me that I could wait until my next scheduled ultrasound in a weeks time because the baby was OK unless of course the bleeding got worse or I started having pain. In that case I could go into her rooms again during the week and she could have another look. Today is Monday and I havent had anymore bleeding since yesterday morning. With the exception of sitting here I have basically glued myself to the couch with my feet up. Who said I hadnt bonded with this baby ?? I guess I have because most of yesterday I spent crying over the relief that this baby is OK for now. I am still scared that something might happen and despite not wanting to become attached I guess its impossible to do that when you have a baby growing inside you that is a part of you. I love this baby as much as I love Alex and the thought of losing this baby too almost kills me.
As of this morning I still havent rang work to tell them and am not really sure how Im going to explain why Im not in Perth. I did leave a message with my manager who is already in Perth but he hasnt called me back yet. I had to cancel all my flights and accomodation and although I was able to have the flights credited the hotel was a little less understanding and refused to reimburse any money so my work has lost about $1000 because of this. I feel terrible but this baby is far more important to me than work so they will just have to live with it.
I'm going to go glue myself to the couch again now. Time for me and this baby to have some rest. I've promised myself Im going to slow down from now on and not rush around as I have been doing recently.
Bye for now.
Jenny 9月20日 ExhaustedIts been so hard lately finding the energy to sit at my computer to update my blog. I usually sit here and update myself with all my favourite blogs and by that time I am too exhausted to update mine. I'd forgotten how tired pregnancy makes you feel.
Things have been going well for me so far. I havent had morning sickness until a few days ago but I think thats because I saw (it was at a distance too !) the kitty litter tray in the morning with some of Princess's little poos in it and about 10 minutes later I threw up the rice bubbles I had just eaten. I have had slight nausea on and off but so far it hasnt been too bad at all. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss ! I know I only have another week or so to enjoy this pregnancy without knowing of any risk of this baby having a birth defect. I have my next ultrasound on 2 October. This was the time when I pregnant with Alex that things starting going downhill because I found out there was a high risk of him having down syndrome, I had to do the amnio at 15 weeks and they discovered the CDH on the same day. I am dreading it so much.
I am starting to really show now. I still havent told work but my family are all telling me that I should. When I went shopping on the weekend a shop assistant asked me when I was due. I think she might have thought I was almost due and she was surprised that I wasnt even 11 weeks yet. She asked me the difficult question about whether it was my first. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just say yes but then that would be denying that Alex ever existed and I just cant do that. I told her it was my second and that my first baby died, I know it made her uncomfortable because she went red in the face. Maybe I should just not elaborate next time. Probably if I just say that its my second baby and hope they dont ask me where the baby is. Thats probably a better way to handle it.
While shopping I also ran into someone that we met when Alex was in the NICU. Her son Thomas was bought in a few days after Alex with a major heart defect. She approached me and knew me but for several minutes I just couldnt remember where I had seen her before. She even said 'you're pregnant again !' (I cant believe she noticed !!) so I figured I must have met her within the last year but I just couldnt place her familiar face with where I had seen her before. When JP came to where we were standing I was embarrassed because I didnt know how I would introduce her to him when I couldnt remember her. Luckily JP knew exactly who she was. When he said 'you're Thomas's mom' everything fell into place. So much of what happened in the NICU is blocked out in my head. We became good friends while in the NICU and even exchanged numbers and we sent messages to find out how her son was doing and vice versa. The last time we contacted her was to let her know Alex had died and with the funeral and everything we just didnt keep in contact after that. I did remember that the day her son was bought in they blocked off our ward so they could do the first of Thomas's heart operations. He was such a big baby that it was strange seeing him in among all the other premmie babies and compared to Alex he didnt look very sick. He got through surgery with flying colours and was even moved into a less critical ward a couple of days later. About a week later he was booked into the Childrens hospital in the city for his next major heart surgery. He got through that too and ended up having a third surgery later on to flatten his diaphragm and to do other repair work. Apparently he spent 4 weeks in the hospital and is now a healthy 7 month old. I was so happy to hear a success story. His mom said that we should go over for coffee or dinner one night and we could catch up. We exchanged numbers again and we will be doing that soon. I cant wait to meet Thomas again and see how big he has grown. When we were in the hospital we told each other that our sons would play together one day when they were out of hospital. Sadly I know that will never happen now but I am happy nonetheless that her son has survived his life threatening defect.
As I suspected I didnt get to finish this entry last night because I was just too tired. It is again almost 10pm and I'm exhausted but will try to finish it tonight. I am so busy at work preparing for next week. I'm not too sure if I've mentioned this before but I'll be in Perth next week for work and we leave on Sunday so work has been hectic trying to prepare things I need to bring over with me, Hopefully I get some time out of work to visit some sites and relax.
On Sunday when we went to visit Alex at the cemetery we noticed that someone has stolen all the windmills in the baby section. Alex had two stolen. The thieves left some of the broken ones but the majority were taken. At first I thought the gardeners might have removed them to tidy the area but then they would have removed all of them not just the better ones. It annoys me so much. I would never take something from a living baby let alone a dead baby. How can these people live with themselves ? Maybe it was kids that thought it would be a bit of fun but its still no excuse. Luckily they left his teddy bear because if they had taken that I would have been devastated. Its pretty sad to say this but maybe cemeteries should have security cameras installed. A few years ago a girl was stabbed to death (in a different cemetery) while visiting her grandmothers grave. What is this world coming to ?
On the program 'House' tonight they showed a baby on ECMO. One minute this baby needed ECMO to survive and in the next scene he was out of the NICU and perfectly alright. ECMO had 'saved' him. I wish these shows wouldnt portray such an unrealistic view on things. I havent seen the Grey's Anatomy episode yet with the CDH baby on it because I dont think we are up to that yet but I've heard that is also very unrealistic. I guess I shouldnt be too judgemental. They are only for 'entertainment' after all and not really intended to 'educate' people.
I spoke to my friend today who had the testicular cancer. He told me that he is cured !! His latest test results show his cancer indicator levels have returned to normal. He is doing one more round of chemo next week but won't need a third round like they suspected he would. What great news ! He was telling me today about all the cancer patients he has met that probably won't live more than 6 months and how it has opened his eyes to a whole world that he never knew existed. Until you've been there I guess you don't know how difficult some people have it. The chemo is apparently the worst possible imaginable pain and still people suffer through it knowing that they will probably die anyway. I should be grateful that although my son died I still have my health and my husband and family to help me through. I never got to see Alex as a healthy baby and when he was alive it killed me to think he might be suffering. Although I would give anything in this world to have him here with me today, I felt strangely at peace when he died because I knew he wouldnt have to suffer anymore or be put through the endless tests and procedures. I dont really have a point to what I'm saying. These are just some random thoughts I am having in my tired brain tonight.
I'm off to bed now because I can barely keep my eyes open any longer.
Jenny 9月10日 What a week !I have been without a computer at home for the whole week. It didnt power up and so I thought it was broken and I finally had some time yesterday to take it to get fixed. Anyway..to cut a long story short there was nothing wrong with it. The reason it didnt work at home was that it was plugged into a powerboard with too many other things. I realise how much I rely on my computer. I wasnt able to update myself on what everyone was up to except at work and of course its hard to do that without being interrupted so Ive been a little lost without it.
What a week ! JP came home from work early last Friday because he was feeling sick. He wasnt able to eat anything and had a sore neck/back and stomach pains. He went to the doctor who suspected viral meningitis and wanted to send him to hospital but JP didnt want to go. He came back home and slept most of the day and night and was feeling a little better Saturday night but still couldnt eat much. By Sunday he woke up sick again with a fever so I took him to the doctor again who said he probably had a bad flu or virus. On Monday when I got home from work he still had a fever and was constantly on the toilet so I again took him to the doctor who suspected he had a particular bacterial virus and prescribed antibiotics. Within 10 minutes of taking the first one he couldnt stop vomiting and he was begging me to take him to hospital. I took him to the emergency department and they immediately put him on a drip, They suspected he had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics because he had developed a slight rash. He was so severely dehydrated that after a few hours in the ER and several tests later they told us they had found him a room at another nearby hospital (because they didnt have room at theirs - dont you just love our hospital system!). Mum and I drove him there ourselves at about midnight. He ended up staying in hospital until Thursday on several drips because of his dehydration. The doctor phoned with results on Thursday. Apparently he either got food poisoning or picked up a nasty bacteria called campylo bacter. He is still not 100% healthy because his stomach is not quite right but at least he is feeling alot better now and he has started eating again (even if it is only soup and bread).
I felt so sorry for him !! In hospital he was almost in quarantine. He had a table outside his door with a sign saying to notify nursing staff before entering. All visitors had to wear gloves, hospital gowns and disinfect their hands before and after seeing him. Of course by that stage I had already seen him without all that protection so I was a little worried about picking it up, but so far so good.
I went to the obstetrician on Monday for my 1st appointment. She had a look with her ultrasound machine but it was hard to get a good clear picture of the baby. This worries me a little because it was hard to get a clear picture the week before too. With Alex all the ultrasounds from the very beginning were clear and it was easy to see which end was up. This baby looks just like a blob. She did manage to point out the heart beating away but Im still worried. She said to me that she knows I will be worried until that final 19-20 week ultrasound and I said that it would take alot longer than that, Even if this baby doesnt have CDH, I wont feel happy until after 32 weeks when I know that this baby is still growing and out of the danger zone.
I had the same terrible dream last night over and over again. I dreamt that this baby had stopped growing and they wanted to put me in hospital to monitor me and the baby and see if he/she would grow some more and if not they would have to do a d&c. I kept holding my stomach during the night and trying to wake up to tell myself that it was just a dream but every time I fell asleep I would have the same dream again. I hardly slept and today I am exhausted. It's so stressful being pregnant again and I know this makes me sound horrible but I am having a hard time bonding to this baby. I'm scared of getting too close and having my heart broken again. I know its not fair on this baby and as the weeks go by and if this baby (by some miracle) is healthy I will love him/her with all my heart like I did Alex but at the moment I am trying not to love this baby too much just in case it doesnt work out again. I feel like such a terrible mother saying that. I am ashamed of writing this stuff but its how I feel and I just can't help it. I remember when we found out about Alex's CDH and we were left with the decision to either terminate or continue with the pregnancy. We were leaning towards the decision to terminate and that night JP went to kiss my stomach and I pushed him away and told him that he had to try to stop loving the baby so that our decision would be easier. I will never forget that day. I cant believe we almost made that decision and that I said that to him. I look at photos of Alex now and shudder to think how different our lives would have been if we hadnt decided to have him.
I cant stop my tears now. I have to go before I flood this keyboard.
Jenny  8月29日 UltrasoundI had my first ultrasound yesterday. I was so scared and cried on the way there. I'm not sure if it was because of my nerves or because before I left I had just read the news of the loss of another CDH angel. I just hate this defect.
The ultrasound went well. We have one healthy heart beat. I'm not having twins so I won the bet I was having with my sister and brother in law. They were convinced I was having twins but my instincts told me it was only one. I would love twins but I know its safer for both my body (after my recent c-section) and more importantly the health of the baby that there is only one. I couldnt bear to see my baby(ies) in the NICU again and that was probably a certainty if I was having two. There isnt much else to report with the Ultrasound because at this stage the baby is still quite small and there isnt too much to see. The baby is measuring 2-3 days behind which worries me but the technician told me that it was quite normal. My ovaries apparently have taken a beating and are measuring 10 cm (instead of being 3 cm) due to the recent IVF treatment and she says thats probably why I am going to be more bloated but that should all settle down in the next few weeks, It was the same when I first got pregnant with Alex. IVF is never kind on your body.
I also received my latest blood test results for my thyroid function and apparently my levels are slowly returing to normal so I will need to repeat this test in about 3 weeks and it should be back to where it is supposed to be.
I dread every ultrasound and doctors visit now. JP asked me jokingly yesterday if we could just skip all the ultrasounds and doctors appointments and just have the baby when it was ready. I wish we could !! It would save alot of worry and heartache.
Speaking of medical issues, two weeks ago a male friend from work went for an ultrasound for a suspected lump and within the week he was booked in for surgery, had his 'male' parts removed and the doctors confirmed it was cancer. He thought he wouldnt need chemo but he phoned me today to tell me that he starts chemo today for the next 6 weeks because his results after the surgery are a little worse than expected. This is one of the 4 people I trusted to tell about doing IVF to conceive Alex and he was also the one I suspected had told my manager about it. I was ready to get stuck into him a couple of weeks ago and a couple days later I discover he has cancer. In the grand scheme of things people knowing about the IVF isnt really that important when I think about what he is going through. Please pray for him that he gets through this cancer. He is only 33 and has a whole life ahead of him. I'm sure he will get through the chemo and make a full recovery but any extra prayers and positive thoughts will go a long way towards his recovery.
My mother-in-law gave us a rose bush when Alex died, She told us to plant it and when it flowered in Spring with yellow roses to bring them to Alex. On Sunday we went outside to pick some tulips to bring to the cemetery and there was a perfect yellow rose waiting to be picked. We hadnt noticed it grow and its unusual for roses at this time of year considering it's winter so it was just perfect for the 6 month anniversary of his death. We took photos and if I can I will post them (I have been having trouble doing that lately because for some reason it freezes when I try and add photos).
I think Alex might be a little mad with us. Yesterday when I came home from work (before my ultrasound) his photo popped out of the metal keyring I have and fell on the floor which has never happened before. Then when lighting his candle last night it kept blowing out. I wonder if he is trying to tell us something ? I dont really believe in things like that but it just seemed a little odd.
Jenny
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