Jenny 的个人资料Congenital Diaphragmatic...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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9月25日 Threatened MiscarriageIve had a rough couple of days. I was supposed to fly to Perth Sunday morning but on Saturday night as I was getting ready to go out for dinner with a group of friends I started bleeding quite heavily. I think I might have overdone it in the last few days at work preparing for this exhibition in Perth that I was to be involved in. I'd been rushing around like mad and my stress levels were at their highest. Anyway of course I panicked !! We called my obstetrician who said that if there was no pain I should just sit tight and wait until the morning where she would organise a scan for me. She strongly recommended that I didnt fly the following morning in case I was having a miscarriage. I lay on the couch for awhile but then I had another big gush of blood (TMI...sorry) so JP decided to take me to emergency to see if we could check on the baby. In emergency they took a urine and blood sample and did an internal and checked my uterus The doctor concluded that I was still bleeding quite alot but the good sign was that my cervix wasnt dilated and I didnt have any pain. He called it a 'threatened miscarriage'. They didnt have an ultrasound machine so it was a big waste of time because I felt like I still didnt have my answer about whether the baby was Ok. He spoke to my obstetrican and they agreed that I would have a scan in the morning because they only scheduled one that late at night in an emergency type situation where my life would be at risk. They gave me the option to admit me to hospital or go home and wait until the morning so I decided to go home. I had a sleepless night and I kept thinking that I didnt feel pregnant anymore. My obstetrician called me in the morning and told me to meet her in her rooms so she could put the scanner on me and check on the baby. Sunday morning I was still bleeding so I feared the worst. When she first looked we could see the baby and he/she was lying still. My heart almost stopped. She wriggled the probe a little and the baby started moving and even gave us a little wave (I cant believe how much more this baby has developed since last time ! I could even see his/her fingers !!). I burst into tears because it was the best site in the world to see our little baby was still alive after all that bleeding. She looked at the heart and it was beating quite steadily. She told me that I could wait until my next scheduled ultrasound in a weeks time because the baby was OK unless of course the bleeding got worse or I started having pain. In that case I could go into her rooms again during the week and she could have another look. Today is Monday and I havent had anymore bleeding since yesterday morning. With the exception of sitting here I have basically glued myself to the couch with my feet up. Who said I hadnt bonded with this baby ?? I guess I have because most of yesterday I spent crying over the relief that this baby is OK for now. I am still scared that something might happen and despite not wanting to become attached I guess its impossible to do that when you have a baby growing inside you that is a part of you. I love this baby as much as I love Alex and the thought of losing this baby too almost kills me.
As of this morning I still havent rang work to tell them and am not really sure how Im going to explain why Im not in Perth. I did leave a message with my manager who is already in Perth but he hasnt called me back yet. I had to cancel all my flights and accomodation and although I was able to have the flights credited the hotel was a little less understanding and refused to reimburse any money so my work has lost about $1000 because of this. I feel terrible but this baby is far more important to me than work so they will just have to live with it.
I'm going to go glue myself to the couch again now. Time for me and this baby to have some rest. I've promised myself Im going to slow down from now on and not rush around as I have been doing recently.
Bye for now.
Jenny  9月20日 ExhaustedIts been so hard lately finding the energy to sit at my computer to update my blog. I usually sit here and update myself with all my favourite blogs and by that time I am too exhausted to update mine. I'd forgotten how tired pregnancy makes you feel.
Things have been going well for me so far. I havent had morning sickness until a few days ago but I think thats because I saw (it was at a distance too !) the kitty litter tray in the morning with some of Princess's little poos in it and about 10 minutes later I threw up the rice bubbles I had just eaten. I have had slight nausea on and off but so far it hasnt been too bad at all. I am trying to enjoy the pregnancy. Ignorance is bliss ! I know I only have another week or so to enjoy this pregnancy without knowing of any risk of this baby having a birth defect. I have my next ultrasound on 2 October. This was the time when I pregnant with Alex that things starting going downhill because I found out there was a high risk of him having down syndrome, I had to do the amnio at 15 weeks and they discovered the CDH on the same day. I am dreading it so much.
I am starting to really show now. I still havent told work but my family are all telling me that I should. When I went shopping on the weekend a shop assistant asked me when I was due. I think she might have thought I was almost due and she was surprised that I wasnt even 11 weeks yet. She asked me the difficult question about whether it was my first. Sometimes I think it might be easier to just say yes but then that would be denying that Alex ever existed and I just cant do that. I told her it was my second and that my first baby died, I know it made her uncomfortable because she went red in the face. Maybe I should just not elaborate next time. Probably if I just say that its my second baby and hope they dont ask me where the baby is. Thats probably a better way to handle it.
While shopping I also ran into someone that we met when Alex was in the NICU. Her son Thomas was bought in a few days after Alex with a major heart defect. She approached me and knew me but for several minutes I just couldnt remember where I had seen her before. She even said 'you're pregnant again !' (I cant believe she noticed !!) so I figured I must have met her within the last year but I just couldnt place her familiar face with where I had seen her before. When JP came to where we were standing I was embarrassed because I didnt know how I would introduce her to him when I couldnt remember her. Luckily JP knew exactly who she was. When he said 'you're Thomas's mom' everything fell into place. So much of what happened in the NICU is blocked out in my head. We became good friends while in the NICU and even exchanged numbers and we sent messages to find out how her son was doing and vice versa. The last time we contacted her was to let her know Alex had died and with the funeral and everything we just didnt keep in contact after that. I did remember that the day her son was bought in they blocked off our ward so they could do the first of Thomas's heart operations. He was such a big baby that it was strange seeing him in among all the other premmie babies and compared to Alex he didnt look very sick. He got through surgery with flying colours and was even moved into a less critical ward a couple of days later. About a week later he was booked into the Childrens hospital in the city for his next major heart surgery. He got through that too and ended up having a third surgery later on to flatten his diaphragm and to do other repair work. Apparently he spent 4 weeks in the hospital and is now a healthy 7 month old. I was so happy to hear a success story. His mom said that we should go over for coffee or dinner one night and we could catch up. We exchanged numbers again and we will be doing that soon. I cant wait to meet Thomas again and see how big he has grown. When we were in the hospital we told each other that our sons would play together one day when they were out of hospital. Sadly I know that will never happen now but I am happy nonetheless that her son has survived his life threatening defect.
As I suspected I didnt get to finish this entry last night because I was just too tired. It is again almost 10pm and I'm exhausted but will try to finish it tonight. I am so busy at work preparing for next week. I'm not too sure if I've mentioned this before but I'll be in Perth next week for work and we leave on Sunday so work has been hectic trying to prepare things I need to bring over with me, Hopefully I get some time out of work to visit some sites and relax.
On Sunday when we went to visit Alex at the cemetery we noticed that someone has stolen all the windmills in the baby section. Alex had two stolen. The thieves left some of the broken ones but the majority were taken. At first I thought the gardeners might have removed them to tidy the area but then they would have removed all of them not just the better ones. It annoys me so much. I would never take something from a living baby let alone a dead baby. How can these people live with themselves ? Maybe it was kids that thought it would be a bit of fun but its still no excuse. Luckily they left his teddy bear because if they had taken that I would have been devastated. Its pretty sad to say this but maybe cemeteries should have security cameras installed. A few years ago a girl was stabbed to death (in a different cemetery) while visiting her grandmothers grave. What is this world coming to ?
On the program 'House' tonight they showed a baby on ECMO. One minute this baby needed ECMO to survive and in the next scene he was out of the NICU and perfectly alright. ECMO had 'saved' him. I wish these shows wouldnt portray such an unrealistic view on things. I havent seen the Grey's Anatomy episode yet with the CDH baby on it because I dont think we are up to that yet but I've heard that is also very unrealistic. I guess I shouldnt be too judgemental. They are only for 'entertainment' after all and not really intended to 'educate' people.
I spoke to my friend today who had the testicular cancer. He told me that he is cured !! His latest test results show his cancer indicator levels have returned to normal. He is doing one more round of chemo next week but won't need a third round like they suspected he would. What great news ! He was telling me today about all the cancer patients he has met that probably won't live more than 6 months and how it has opened his eyes to a whole world that he never knew existed. Until you've been there I guess you don't know how difficult some people have it. The chemo is apparently the worst possible imaginable pain and still people suffer through it knowing that they will probably die anyway. I should be grateful that although my son died I still have my health and my husband and family to help me through. I never got to see Alex as a healthy baby and when he was alive it killed me to think he might be suffering. Although I would give anything in this world to have him here with me today, I felt strangely at peace when he died because I knew he wouldnt have to suffer anymore or be put through the endless tests and procedures. I dont really have a point to what I'm saying. These are just some random thoughts I am having in my tired brain tonight.
I'm off to bed now because I can barely keep my eyes open any longer.
Jenny 9月10日 What a week !I have been without a computer at home for the whole week. It didnt power up and so I thought it was broken and I finally had some time yesterday to take it to get fixed. Anyway..to cut a long story short there was nothing wrong with it. The reason it didnt work at home was that it was plugged into a powerboard with too many other things. I realise how much I rely on my computer. I wasnt able to update myself on what everyone was up to except at work and of course its hard to do that without being interrupted so Ive been a little lost without it.
What a week ! JP came home from work early last Friday because he was feeling sick. He wasnt able to eat anything and had a sore neck/back and stomach pains. He went to the doctor who suspected viral meningitis and wanted to send him to hospital but JP didnt want to go. He came back home and slept most of the day and night and was feeling a little better Saturday night but still couldnt eat much. By Sunday he woke up sick again with a fever so I took him to the doctor again who said he probably had a bad flu or virus. On Monday when I got home from work he still had a fever and was constantly on the toilet so I again took him to the doctor who suspected he had a particular bacterial virus and prescribed antibiotics. Within 10 minutes of taking the first one he couldnt stop vomiting and he was begging me to take him to hospital. I took him to the emergency department and they immediately put him on a drip, They suspected he had an allergic reaction to the antibiotics because he had developed a slight rash. He was so severely dehydrated that after a few hours in the ER and several tests later they told us they had found him a room at another nearby hospital (because they didnt have room at theirs - dont you just love our hospital system!). Mum and I drove him there ourselves at about midnight. He ended up staying in hospital until Thursday on several drips because of his dehydration. The doctor phoned with results on Thursday. Apparently he either got food poisoning or picked up a nasty bacteria called campylo bacter. He is still not 100% healthy because his stomach is not quite right but at least he is feeling alot better now and he has started eating again (even if it is only soup and bread).
I felt so sorry for him !! In hospital he was almost in quarantine. He had a table outside his door with a sign saying to notify nursing staff before entering. All visitors had to wear gloves, hospital gowns and disinfect their hands before and after seeing him. Of course by that stage I had already seen him without all that protection so I was a little worried about picking it up, but so far so good.
I went to the obstetrician on Monday for my 1st appointment. She had a look with her ultrasound machine but it was hard to get a good clear picture of the baby. This worries me a little because it was hard to get a clear picture the week before too. With Alex all the ultrasounds from the very beginning were clear and it was easy to see which end was up. This baby looks just like a blob. She did manage to point out the heart beating away but Im still worried. She said to me that she knows I will be worried until that final 19-20 week ultrasound and I said that it would take alot longer than that, Even if this baby doesnt have CDH, I wont feel happy until after 32 weeks when I know that this baby is still growing and out of the danger zone.
I had the same terrible dream last night over and over again. I dreamt that this baby had stopped growing and they wanted to put me in hospital to monitor me and the baby and see if he/she would grow some more and if not they would have to do a d&c. I kept holding my stomach during the night and trying to wake up to tell myself that it was just a dream but every time I fell asleep I would have the same dream again. I hardly slept and today I am exhausted. It's so stressful being pregnant again and I know this makes me sound horrible but I am having a hard time bonding to this baby. I'm scared of getting too close and having my heart broken again. I know its not fair on this baby and as the weeks go by and if this baby (by some miracle) is healthy I will love him/her with all my heart like I did Alex but at the moment I am trying not to love this baby too much just in case it doesnt work out again. I feel like such a terrible mother saying that. I am ashamed of writing this stuff but its how I feel and I just can't help it. I remember when we found out about Alex's CDH and we were left with the decision to either terminate or continue with the pregnancy. We were leaning towards the decision to terminate and that night JP went to kiss my stomach and I pushed him away and told him that he had to try to stop loving the baby so that our decision would be easier. I will never forget that day. I cant believe we almost made that decision and that I said that to him. I look at photos of Alex now and shudder to think how different our lives would have been if we hadnt decided to have him.
I cant stop my tears now. I have to go before I flood this keyboard.
Jenny  |
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