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3月20日 UpdateI thought I would update today. I have no excuses now that I have finished work (Friday was my last day - hooray!!) as I have plenty of time to sit here and update my blog. Its so great to have made it to my final day at work this time. I am so relaxed and have been catching up on all the things I never get a chance to do while I'm working including catching up on some much needed rest. I think I have reached the 'nesting' stage as I am pottering around tidying up, deciding on what baby things need washing to take with me and getting my bag ready for the hospital. I havent had too much luck with the washing because it actually rained today. We are in the middle of our biggest drought and it rarely rains but the day I decide to wash some baby things it rains the whole day. Just my luck !!
I should quickly bring everyone up to date with how my pregnancy is going. I had two appointments a couple of weeks ago at 35 weeks. The first was a scan at the hospital and the second was with my obstetrician. Everything went well. The baby was approximately 2.3kg (5 pounds) at that point in time which means it is in the 35th percentile. The baby won't be a big baby but the ultrasound tech says baby is growing well and that if I make it to 39 weeks or so then she estimates that baby will be 3.1 kg or roughly 7 pounds or so. He/she was practising breathing movements and the tech says that all signs are that baby is doing well and is healthy.
I weighed myself earlier and I have put on 16 kilos so far. I thought I hadnt put on any weight in the last few weeks but it seems I have put on another 2 kilos. I'm actually feeling pretty good and not too heavy yet. The only time I really feel it is during the night when I cant get comfortable. Ive taken to sleeping sitting up and on my back the whole night because the baby just doesnt make it comfortable to be sleeping on my side. My toilet visits are ridiculous at the moment too. I think I average about 10 trips to the toilet each night and there isnt an hour that goes past that I dont have to go and empty my bladder. Oh and Ive also discovered that I have developed at least one big stretch mark which is devastating !! I didnt get any the first time (I guess because I didnt grow too much) but I have found at least one and I think I have another 2 but cant see them all that well as they sit pretty low on my bulging stomach. I have been using stretch mark cream for weeks now and it obviously doesnt work. I guess its all part of the whole pregnancy experience. I just hope I dont get too many more or I will never pull out the bikini again. In fact I may never do anyway because I know I will be left with a saggy belly that no amount of exercise will be able to shift. Who am I kidding? I know I wont exercise because Im too lazy to so if I end up with the saggy belly Ill be stuck with it.
Tomorrow I will be 37 weeks and I just came back from another doctors appointment. My blood pressure is perfect and baby is quite low down which means that I could go into labour at any time now. I havent had any contractions that I'm aware of although the doctor says that I have probably had them but they havent been painful enough to notice. My doctor will be away from Tuesday next week for the whole week so I'm hoping that I dont go into labour next week as I will be getting a doctor I have never met or even heard of. I really want my doctor because she knows the things I have requested for the delivery and of course she knows all about my history. I am worried that a new doctor wouldnt understand my need to spend some time with the baby before he/she is taken away this time. I had barely 30 seconds with Alex when he was born and I couldnt bear it if they did that to me again. They just wheeled him past me and thats all I saw of him in those first few hours after he was born. It felt like they took an eternity to stitch me back up and then they stuck me in the recovery room and didnt give me any information about how he was doing. I kept thinking that he had died and the not knowing nearly killed me.
Tomorrow I am going to breastfeeding class. I am looking forward to it as I didnt quite make it to this class last time I was pregnant. I was booked in for around the same time in my pregnancy. Last time I pumped milk for 3 weeks and nobody prepared me for how difficult that would be. I really struggled with it so hopefully the breastfeeding is a little easier than the pumping I had to do.
I dont have much more news for now so I will leave it here for now and hopefully update later in the week. 3月4日 Still here....I thought I better blog tonight while I have a few spare minutes before bed. Ive been absolutely exhausted (again!) today and I keep saying that I dont know why but JP kindly reminded me that I am almost 35 weeks pregnant and I'm SUPPOSED to be exhausted. Ok I must admit I do tend to forget that I'm pregnant sometimes but today is not one of those days. I went to lie down earlier and the baby kicked so much that I couldnt stay lying down for long. My sleep isnt exactly what you call quality sleep anymore - not that Im complaining, Im happy to stay this way for months to come if it means that the baby will stay safe inside me.
Just to update a little about whats been happening. On Tuesday (27th February) was the 1 year anniversary since Alex died. JP and I both had the day off. We ordered some flowers so we went to pick those up and then went to the cemetery with the family. It wasnt an easy day but we got through it. Its hard to believe a year has gone by since my baby took his last breath in my arms. I will never ever forget those final moments and the pain in my heart wont ever heal. I know that now. In the beginning I thought that my memories would fade and that the pain would lessen but I know now that the pain never goes away - you just learn to live with it and it becomes a part of your life - like a scar that never fades. You have to carry on with life and even though you still have bad days where you think the pain will eat you up inside you know that there will also be good days ahead and you have to keep yourself going. What surprises me the most is how other people around you react to a baby's death. They think that you dont want to talk about your dead child but they couldnt be more wrong. I wont ever deny that I had Alex or that he was my first baby. I get asked all the time if this is my first pregnancy and now I dont even hesitate to tell a total stranger that no its my second and my first baby died. I know it makes them uncomfortable but I dont care. It shouldnt. If I am comfortable telling you my baby died then obviously I am dealing with it and I dont have a problem talking about it. Why do people automatically look at me as if I have some terrible disease and then change the subject or end the conversation. Its the quickest way to wipe any smile of a persons face. When I went back to work on Wednesday one of the new guys at work (who obviously didnt know about my past) assumed that I had been sick on Tuesday and I was quick to tell him that I had an annual leave day. He laughed and said that I wasnt allowed to have a day off when I was about to go on a year's maternity leave to which I responded that I took it off because it was the 1st anniversary of my son's death. I cant describe the look on his face. He looked as if he wanted to die. He went beetroot red in the face and mumbled something like 'sorry' and quickly turned back to his desk to do some work. People just do not know how to react to death especially when it comes to losing a child.
This reminds me of something else a couple of weeks ago. My work mate in our Sydney office called to ask me what sort of leave he should apply for because he had a baby's funeral to attend to. The funeral was for his nephew who had died the day before. His sister-in-law was 38 weeks pregnant and although the baby had been healthy the baby had died in-utero because the cord was wrapped around his neck. He was hoping I wouldnt ask how the baby had died because he didnt want to upset me but curiousity got the better of me. In hindsight I wish I hadnt because thats all I could think of the next few days. I even asked my doctor what the chances are of this happening and apparently as many as 1 in 10 babies are born with cords around their necks but not all die and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Just another thing to worry about. Anyway my workmate said that after the funeral then it would all be over and they could move on. I reminded him that it wouldnt ever be 'over' for the parents. When you lose you child you dont try to 'forget' because you can't. It's a part of who you are and what you become. Some people just dont get it.
Today is exactly one year since the day of Alex's funeral. So many anniversaries that I would rather not have but will be a part of my life now for years to come. We will be going to church tomorrow as we have asked the priest if he would mention and pray for Alex during tomorrows service. We were going to do this on Tuesday night (the anniversary of his death) but I didnt think I would be able to cope with it that day so we made the decision to do it tomorrow.
I have 2 more weeks of work left. I was going to finish up on the 9th March but have decided to work until the 16th if all goes well. I'm not sure if I will regret that decision but it works our better money wise to work another week. I will then ask to be put on half-pay and it works out that with all my annual leave and long service leave entitlements I should be paid until the end of the year.
On Wednesday we picked up our new car !! Yay ! We finally took the plunge after 2 years of procrastination and bought a new Toyota Rav4 Cruiser. We thought we'd better buy it while we still had two full salaries otherwise we would never have the courage. I have only driven it once since Wednesday and its a dream to drive. We actually ordered the car just after Alex's 1st birthday and it was supposed to be ready mid March but the car dealer wanted us to pick it up on Wednesday. It was good to have something exciting to look forward to in February to help take some of the sadness away from the memories of last year. We now need to sell the car JP drives to work and then he will be driving my car and I will take the new one. I love the fact that I always get to drive the new cars we buy !!
On Monday I have another appointment with my obstetrician and I have also booked myself in for another scan just before that apointment. At my last appointment last week with the ob I asked her if she thought the baby was OK and still growing and she seemed to think everything was fine but told me that if it helped me sleep at night that I should go for another scan. I'm terrified of what they are going to tell me which is partly why I am updating my blog tonight. I suspect that it will be bad news and they will admit me to have the baby. I am so terrified of this baby not growing. I weighed myself the other day and realised that I havent put on much weight in the last 3-4 weeks and I dont feel very big for 34.5 weeks despite people telling me that I am. I am hoping that my next update wont be to tell everyone that Ive had this baby because I'm not ready and I so desperately want to make it to 40 weeks this time. Please pray that I get a little further into this pregnancy. I want a big fat chubby baby and I know that this baby needs a few more weeks of growing to get there.
On Wednesday it will be JP's 35th birthday. Last November we booked in Jamie Oliver's restaurant in the city (yes it takes that long to get a booking !!) for that night. I will be so disappointed if my doctor admits me into hospital before Wednesday because Ive been so looking forward to this night !!
Anyway I have rambled enough tonight and after reading this entry through I realise how jumbled my thoughts are and I'm hoping most of it makes sense. Im too tired to fix any of it now. Goodnight everyone....I hope to update again soon.
Jenny  |
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