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February 07 Happy 1st Birthday my sweet baby boy !!I just want to wish my sweet baby boy a Happy 1st Birthday. I know you are up in heaven playing with all the other angel babies today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART !! I Love You !
 It was a good day today, It was difficult but I tried to focus on celebrating Alex's short life rather than dwelling on what 'could' have been. Its the only way I could get through it. My family were great too and helped make it special. Mum bought Alex a little Angel with a message saying 'thinking of you', my aunty bought him a new candle and my sister bought a little teddy bear holding a heart and some bright red gerberas to put on his grave. I made 'Thomas the Tank' cupcakes this morning and we all went to the cemetary with the cupcakes, balloons and flowers. We even bought party hats and placed one on his grave and on the angel babies graves beside him. We put a candle on one of the cupcakes for him and sang happy birthday and then released the balloons. It wasnt sad. It felt like a real 1st Birthday celebration. My nephew had a blast too because he was allowed to eat one of the chocolate cupcakes and make a mess of himself. He also loved the balloons. We were going to take my nephews balloon home but just before we went home the wind took it and we said that Alex probably needed another one in heaven for another one of his angel friends since he has so many up there. I took some photos so I will download them now and place them on here.
Overall it was a good day and one that I will remember for a long time to come.
Jenny
 February 06 A year ago today....I cant help thinking of this exact night last year when I was in hospital. I'll never forget what the woman in charge of NICU said to me that night. She told me that they couldnt operate on a baby who was so small and in that one moment she shattered all my hopes of my baby ever making it through. She was basically telling me to prepare for my baby's death. How does someone prepare for that ? Babies shouldnt be allowed to die. No mother should have to prepare for her babies death. Its just so wrong !
JP didnt stay with me that first night in hospital (but slept there every night after that). We thought it was better for him to get a good nights sleep so he would have the energy to get through the next few difficult days. They gave me a sleeping tablet knowing that I wouldnt sleep otherwise. They neednt have bothered because I didnt sleep anyway. The sleeping tablet had no effect at all. I cant tell you what torture I felt as I lay there that night listening to the babies in other rooms crying all night, feeling my own baby kicking inside of me and knowing that the following morning I would meet him for the first time but knowing he would also probably not survive the day.
I'm just exhausted now because my head is so full of thoughts, memories and sadness. A year has gone past but tonight it feels to me as if this all happened yesterday. I looked at Alex's photos earlier. I cant believe how small he actually was and how sick he looked in most of the photos. I actually forgot how sick he actually looked because when I think of him all I remember is what he looked like on his good days - never his bad. I guess I was just so used to seeing him look so sick that I became immune to it. The few people who did visit him in the hospital (I told most people not to visit) must have been shocked at his blue skin, puffy body and tubes and monitors. I hope he didnt suffer. When I look at the photos now I wonder if he did suffer and was it cruel of us not to stop the intensive care treatment earlier.
I have so much to say tonight but I cant write anymore. Exhaustion has set in again and i need to lie down. Please hope that I get through tomorrow without too much heartache. I miss my baby boy so much !
Jenny February 04 Home AloneIt feels so good to have the house to myself. It's a rare occurrance so Im going to enjoy it and spend some time catching up with things. I dont have too much news to report. Things are going along fairly uneventfully in my pregnancy except that my ob's secretary called last week to tell me that my latest blood test results show that I am slightly low in iron and told me to take some iron supplements every second day. I took a few and found they were making me sick so I have since stopped taking them. I will have to ask my ob at Friday's appointment if she can recommend some that dont upset my stomach too much. I am getting more and more uncomfortable and sleeping at night has become almost impossible and my back is constantly aching but yet when I look down at my stomach I almost feel as if I am not very big and then I start to worry that the baby isnt growing anymore. I am now 30 weeks and just aiming to try to make it past 32 weeks. I cant do much but wait until Fridays appointment to find out what my ob thinks about baby's growth. I guess she will send me for a further scan if she is worried about it.
On Wednesday its Alex's 1st birthday. I can't believe a year has gone by already. Both JP and I have taken a day off work on Wednesday so we can take time for ourselves to remember him on what would have been such a happy day if he had been alive. Instead its going to be such a hard day and I just hope we will make it through the day without too much difficulty.
We plan on buying some balloons and maybe even a cupcake with a candle. We even bought some party hats today so we can place on his grave. Its no surprise to me that my family would have forgotten it was Alex's birthday if I hadnt reminded them. They knew it was February but it seems that exact days arent that important when it isnt something that totally preoccupies your mind like it does for JP and I. I know if Alex had lived they would never have forgotten. Sometimes I think I expect too much from my family. Maybe they would have remembered as it got closer and that I didnt need to remind them. I like to think they would have.
A friend of mine called me earlier in the week to ask me if I would drop in at her house on Friday because she had two presents to give me. One was for me and it was a little statue of an angel holding a baby and a gift for Alex to take to his grave on Wednesday. Its so sweet of her to remember and to take the time to buy us something. I havent read the card or opened Alex's gift yet because I plan to do that on Wednesday. The card on the front says that I need to read the words to Alex but I don't think I will be strong enough. She told me that inside the gift were some toy cars made of steel so they won't rust when I put them on his grave. It really was so thoughtful of her. Sometimes I dont know what I do to deserve such good friends.
I'm back....I had to go and lie down for awhile. I cant believe how quickly I become tired these days. I had so many plans for today but it is almost 8.30pm and my mum, aunty and uncle are home again and it feels like I did nothing all day. JP is still at the cricket and should be home around 10pm. I asked him to keep his mobile on and fully charged just in case I needed him but I just tried calling him and of course it goes straight to message bank. Its a good thing I dont really need him for anything but we have had so many arguments in the past about not being able to reach him when I need him that you would think he would be a little more careful. I guess I cant be too mad with him. He did take me out to breakfast this morning knowing that he was spending the whole Sunday at the cricket and I would be home alone.
I better go and spend some time with the family now. As I said not much news this week but - then again no news is good news.
Jenny
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