Jenny 的个人资料Congenital Diaphragmatic...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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11月8日 Slow down life....Its been so long since I last posted. I really dont know where the time goes. Sometimes I feel like I'm on an express train and life is passing by so quickly. I want it to slow down but I really dont know how to do it. I have been so unbelievably busy. Just as an indication I will run past the last few days of my hectic life.
Friday night we went to my sisters, Saturday afternoon/night we went to a bbq at a workmate of JP's, He lives on a 5 acre farm about an hour from us. It was quite strange for us city folk to watch as he had 2 new cows delivered on Saturday. We were also told that the meat we had for dinner was once their pet cow. I tried not to think of it too much or I wouldnt have eaten anything. I dont think I could ever raise a cow and then have it slaughtered and on a dinner plate the following night but then I've never lived on a farm and I guess thats just a natural thing to do. We had a great time. JP got to play tennis, golf and a game of billards. I skipped on the tennis and golf but played a couple of games of billiards. I am pretty hopeless when it comes to the game but managed to sink the black and win the game so pretty proud of myself. Unfortunately when we played again I didnt sink any balls the whole game so they all had a laugh at my expense. I just blamed it on the big belly that kept putting me off balance. JP drank way too much on Saturday night so I ended up driving home which was a good thing because we were pulled over by a booze bus and I got to blow into their breathalizer. I was quite smug because I knew it was read a big fat zero but not so smug when the police women asked for our current registration sticker (although it was paid we hadnt stuck it on the windscreen yet). She said it was an offence not to have it stuck on the windscreen and told us to put it straight on or next time we would be fined. I wasnt so smug when she said that. Needless to say we have now stuck it on.
Sunday morning JP had to get up early because he had organised a fishing trip. With only 4 hours sleep, lots to drink the night before and a rocking fishing boat he spent the morning throwing up. I think it scared the fish away because he came back with nothing except a bad hangover. He has sworn off drinking for awhile which is a good thing because he isnt as young as he used to be and certainly cant handle more than a couple of beers in one night.
Sunday afternoon was spent with my 5 year old god-daughter, her sister and parents at Studley park boathouse where we had lunch and coffee by the lake and went for long walks in the bush. I took some photos of this day which I will try and post in the next few days. We ended up going back to their place for dinner and had yet another late night. It was good seeing my goddaughter again because I dont often see her (in fact I couldnt even make it to her birthday in September so I felt really bad) but we've had this day planned for quite awhile and I think she really enjoyed herself. The Park we went to even had an outdoor amphitheatre so she was in her element as she entertained us with song after song. She loves to sing and dance - a real little performer. I asked her mother whether she was going to enrol her in singing lessons but she said that they had told her she was too young and would strain her vocal cords at this young age. She will try to enrol her in another couple of years. I think she's going to be a real star one day. Maybe a future Australian Idol - who knows ?
Monday night was yet another friends for a bbq which was a great night with many laughs. Fortunately Tuesday was a public holiday (Melbourne Cup day) so I was able to rest a little but not enough because I'm just so exhausted. We went to Target for a little shopping and I think it all caught up with me because after 10 minutes of being there I had a fainting spell. I couldnt stand up and had to sit on the floor in the middle of Target. Talk about embarrassing ! It took a good 10-15 minutes to come around and in that time I had quite an audience. A lovely couple came to help and stayed with us while I tried to recover. They asked the staff for a chair from the furniture department and got me a glass of water and wet cloth. I heard someone say (I think a staff member) they would call the ambulance if needed. Luckily I recovered because I would have just died of embrassment if they had to carry me out of Target on a stretcher. I'm not too sure what caused my fainting spell but apart from being really tired I'm feeling pretty good now. There is no other news on the pregnancy, Im still having morning sickness every other day. I have another ultrasound booked for next Monday which I am of course petrified about but will try not to panic about it until it gets a little closer.
This weekend will be busy again as we have dinner with friends on Saturday night and a 1st birthday on Sunday. I know I need to take it easy but seems as if we are in for another hectic weekend.
I'm feeling pretty down today. Yesterday Alex would have been 9 months old. JP and I went to the cemetery since we had a day off work. I can't believe how much I miss him. I thought time would make the pain ease but then you have days like these and you realise that some days are just as painful as the day he died. Its also comments from people that make the pain come back and I think thats what did it for me yesterday. Comments such as 'you wouldnt understand because you dont have kids' or 'what would you know about raising kids'. This is the comment I got yesterday and words like that feel like a knife being driven into my heart. It's just so hurtful and how can you say that to someone knowing they have lost a child not so long ago, I cant help thinking of what my son would have been like at 9 months old. Would he have been crawling, what would be his favourite foods, what cartoons would he have enjoyed watching ? I would have 'known' what it was like to have kids. Dont DARE remind me of what I have lost. How can people, especially those closest to you be so hurtful ? Even though everyone else's life has moved on since my son died, mine hasnt and it still hurts and life will never move on for me. I think at this stage I dont need to surround myself with people that make me hurt because I cant afford to be as upset as I have been today during this stage of my pregnancy. It makes JP angry to see people hurt me like this because then he sees what I go through and its stress I dont need right now. I'm dealing with grief over losing a baby and stress of being pregnant with another and with that is all the worry that something will be wrong with this baby too. Fortunately I do have alot of people in my life who care about me and make me happy and keep me positive and I thank god every day for those people. Sorry I am going on and on about this but I feel better just writing all this down. I will move on from the outpour of emotions now to other things.
I have a decision to make about whether I will have another c-section or natural delivery. Its almost hard to think that far ahead and I guess I dont really need to decide now but I will have to start thinking about it at some point. My obstetrician says its entirely up to me. I'm a little worried about a natural delivery because I didnt wait very long to become pregnant after last time but the doctor doesnt seem worried at all about the incision I have. I'm also scared of the pain of a natural delivery but I want to do whats best for the baby with little damage to my body because after all I would like at least one more baby after this one if all goes well. I think I will just let nature take its course and what will be, will be. I was convinced I was going to have it naturally last time and look what happened so I dont think you can always plan for these things.
I'm off to bed now because I can hardly keep my eyes open any longer.
Jenny
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