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Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia - Jenny's SpaceMy thoughts while dealing with the loss of my son Alex to CDH |
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13 novembre New blogI have a new blog I am trying out. It can be found at http://mybabyboys.wordpress.com/ 14 août One of those daysDylan had his 4 month immunisations done today. He is 5 months old but because of his last chest infection Ive held off until he was healthy enough to have them done. My mum came with me because I couldnt bear to watch. Last time I cried after he had them done because he was screaming in pain and I could barely feed him or change his nappy. He had to have three injections - Two in one leg and one in the other. He screamed after the second and third ones but fell asleep shortly afterwards. I gave him a dose of panadol when we got home because he was obviously in alot of pain but hasnt been too bad since although he has been a little whiney tonight and Ive had a hard time trying to get him to sleep. I have just finished rocking him to sleep and for a moment when I looked at him almost asleep in my arms he looked exactly like Alex. It felt like a knife in my heart. I must admit that it doesnt happen often that Dylan will remind me of Alex because they look so different but it was just a moment that I had a flashback to Alex's last day and holding him in my arms.
I feel so guilty because I dont get to the cemetery every week like I used to before Dylan was born. Its just so hard to take Dylan out some days especially when its really cold and raining outside. We've now started to buy flowers which will last weeks rather than ones that will only last a few days because we just dont go there often enough. I feel like Im neglecting Alex which is silly of course because I know he isnt alive but maybe in some way Im neglecting his memory. I miss my little boy tonight. So much. Some days it hurts more than others and today is one of those days.
4 août What the heck ?I have no idea whats going on with my blog right now. It's driving me up the wall !! Things such as my photos etc seem to be missing but when I go and update they appear again and then disappear when I sign out. What am I doing wrong ? 31 juillet Dylan's cardiologist appointmentIve been missing for quite awhile now - well only from my own blog. I still read my favourite blogs religiously and keep myself up to date. I often start to type an entry here and then stop half way and change my mind about posting. Sometimes the memories are just too painful. Ive been thinking I might start another space but will let everyone know when and if I get around to doing it. Just looking at this blog makes me depressed ! I need a change. A fresh look because I need to focus on the positives in my life rather than the negatives. I have been happy lately. Dylan does something new every day which makes me laugh. I look forward to the future and each and every milestone he reaches. I think about my little boy Alex every day but I dont have time to dwell on how much it sucks that he isnt here playing with his little brother. I still dont think it was 'meant to be' or 'gods will' or other crap that people say but I have accepted that I cant turn back the clock and bring him back. Its my story. Its my past. I always tell anyone who asks that I have two children. An angel in heaven and one here on earth.
Anyway - we are doing well. Dylan had a follow up cardiologist appointment today and his heart looks good. The hole in his heart is closed and its pumping well so we only need to go back for a check up in 6 months time. Dylan is growing and has become really chubby now. I hope to post some photos so you can all see how much he has changed. He has just got over a chest infection which was quite nasty as he had several days of fever and projectile vomiting but he is over the worst of it now and is healthy again.
We are partcipating in a research project that the Royal Childrens Hospital are doing on development of babies who have had cardiac surgery in the first 3 months of life. Basically it involves 4 assessments over two years for Dylan. They video tape him for 30 minutes each time. I think they are trying to see whether heart surgery in the first months of life causes any brain damage or developmental delays. We have agreed to partcipate but to be honest I would have much more interested in partcipating in a research project that involved CDH. Anything to help find a cure.
I'm off to bed now. Dylan has been sleeping through the night which has been great as Im now getting 8+ hours of sleep each night but I need it because its so exhausting keeping him entertained during the day. Not that Im complaining !!
Good night !
PS I just tried to put up a few photos but of course the damn thing isnt working so I will try again tomorrow.
15 mai Baby Dylan is here !!Hi Everyone, What a busy couple of months its been ! For those of you who dont know I had my baby on 26 March 2007. He weighed 2.87kg (which I think is 6lbs 3oz) and was 53cm long although that is to be disputed because after measuring him again a few days later they thought he was 50cm. We called him Dylan.
On Saturday 24th March when I was 37+5 weeks pregnant I started leaking amniotic fluid during the night and after calling the hospital they told me to go straight in for monitoring. They put me in the L & D ward and watched and monitored me to see if I would go into labour on my own. After a few hours when they realised I hadnt started going into labor they put me in a hospital room and told me that they would schedule an induction for the following morning. They gave me antiobiotics because of my ruptured membranes and induced me at 9.00am on Monday 26th March. After 9 hours of contractions my obstetrician checked me and told me I had only dilated 2cm so she scheduled me in for an emergency C-section. Dylan was born at 6.34pm that night. In the first few days he was doing really well but he was kept under close observation in the special care nursery for monitoring of a heart condition which was diagnosed prenatally. Yes thats right - we knew from our 16 week scan that this baby had a hole in his heart and that there was a 50% chance he would need surgery at some stage to fix it. Dylan did so well in those few days but then a week later he started going into heart failure so they intubated him, gave him some medications and told us he needed to be operated on quickly. He was put into the NICU and I cant tell you how we felt when we received that phone call during the night to tell us that. I felt like history was repeating itself and we would surely lose this baby too. We waited for a bed at the childrens hospital in the city (all our cardiac babies are operated on at the children's) and by the following night they had transferred him. He had his open heart surgery at 10 days old (Alex also had his surgery when he was 10 days old) to fix a large hole in the heart and coarctation of his aorta (which we didn’t know about before birth). The operation took 5 hours and he did quite well. The only problem being that he took about 3 days to wake from the anaesthetic and his blood pressures and glucose levels took a little managing. He spent about a week in the NICU at the childrens and was then transferred back to the hospital he was born in. He needed a few days to establish his feeding and to gain weight as he had dropped 200g below his birth weight and they were concerned about his weight. In total he spent almost a month in hospital and we were finally able to take him home on 20 April. That day was the happiest day of our lives. We are so happy to have him at home but still so frightened that he will become sick again. He will need constant checkups for his heart condition as there is a possibility that the coarctation can reoccur in the next few months and he also has a heart valve that may need fixing in the future but for now he is growing every day and we just hope that he wont need surgery again. My days are now spent feeding, changing nappies and going to various appointments for Dylan. I never realised how much time a baby took out of your day but Im enjoying motherhood and realise how blessed I am to have him. I am also fortunate that Dylan looks nothing like Alex so I can look at Dylan and know that he is Alex's younger brother and not a baby that has replaced him. I must admit that the first few days after Dylan was born were hard because I was in the same hospital and my memories of having Alex there were just so overwhelming. Now that we have Dylan at home I have new memories to fill my heart and although I think of Alex constantly Dylan has helped me realise than life moves ahead and I can be happy again. He is awake again so I better go. I hope to update again soon ! Jenny |
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